Brain Dump, Dreams and Gratitude

I’ve been doing some thinking. Lately, I’m just reminded of the feeling that people get, like young moms, I guess, who say that they never knew that they could feel so right and content, and at peace until they’re lying in bed next to their little girl, or swimming off the shore of Hawaii as the sun sets, with their loving LOVING husband, and their laughing baby in their arms.

And yes, while that swimming off the shore of Hawaii with your little girl sounds literally incredible, and like THE dream, it’s that feeling of knowing things are perfect just the way they are. Or just knowing that everything you’ve done in your life was supposed to lead up to this moment, that feeling, I’ve been noticing everywhere.

I feel like I’ve seen that so many times lately, whether it’s in Aspyn Ovard’s YouTube videos with her adorable baby Cove, or one of Heather’s (or hbgoodie) Instagram posts written so beautifully in the caption.

And that feeling, I’ve just been craving it.

I know, I probably sound absolutely crazy. And no, don’t worry I’m not trying to have a baby or anything like that LOL, but I’ve just been craving that content, at peace, blissful moment.

But, lately, I’ve been feeling something. Something similar, something like it.

So, as you can probably understand, for a little bit, I was heartbroken. Devastated even, about not going back to school. I know that probably sounds pretty different from what I wrote in my last post. But with time and understanding and making sense of the fact that this is not a linear path of emotions, I’ve come to this point where tonight, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.

It’s like, my life is still moving forward, I’m still learning and growing. And I know that probably sounds super cheesy, but like, I’m in my college years right now, that stuff is so important. And that was the absolute BEST part of my freshman year. I was so sad that I felt like these imperative months of my life might go wasted or pass me by. However, even though sophomore year is vastly different so far, I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time.

(Written September 17)

My brother is turning sixteen in ten days. Tonight, my mom threw him a surprise birthday party. I had the chance to just laugh with him and his friends as rain literally POURED down on us. I don’t know what it was, but I just felt genuinely really happy, and relieved, and right.

It was just like this beautiful, funny moment.

Another thing that’s been on my mind recently, is just breaking down what I want for my life, and what I’m inspired by. TOO regularly, I find myself wanting to make my own life into what I see in other people’s.

As I’m sure you know, I’m an AVID vlog watcher. I love Indy Blue’s videos, I’m actually watching one right now, as I type this. I recently have become hooked on Kenna & Jack’s. I also watch a lot of Gretchen Geraghty plus a good mix of Lexi Hidalgo and Anna Sitar’s Tiktoks.

So many of the aspects of their lives, I just want for my own. Whether it’s their aesthetic, their attitude, their style, their editing abilities, or other things of the sort.

But, somehow recently, I was just kind of reminded of the fact that I can take what they put out there as a source of inspiration and a source of entertainment, and even a sort of motivator, but I can’t lose my sense of self in achieving the things they do.

I feel like for a little bit, I was losing my sense of self just due to the fact that I was out of my normal routine and setting for so long. Plus, when I’m constantly watching others videos and content, it’s so easy to create this version of myself in my head that just isn’t me. I’m not sure if anyone can relate to that.

But I just was reminded recently that you’ve got to know yourself and maintain that sense of self in anything you do. Or, not to be blunt, but what’s the point.

Here’s a little something I texted myself so I wouldn’t forget it:

I can do all these things, live out all these dreams, swimming in the pacific off the coast of Hawaii, or running through the streets of France, but I have to do them knowing I’m doing them as Parker and not as the embodiment of all of these other people that I want to be like.

So, yeah :)

I definitely think that these recent thoughts have been inspired by other stuff, but nonetheless I think it’s a good thing to remember, and maybe just maybe I wasn’t the only one who needed a little step back.

What has brought these feelings to me the most though, if I had to guess, was just this mood I’ve been in lately.

I’ve just been feeling really fortunate. While I expected this semester to kind of be horrendous, it’s turning out to be really interesting and different, and I’d even go as far to say really really nice.

I’ve had experiences that I one hundred percent would have never had if it was a normal semester.

And I also feel so lucky lately because I just am so appreciative of my support system. I feel like I’ve found some pretty incredible people and I’ve just been loving every second of building and growing my relationships.

It seems that it always is simpler to feel more at ease, and to have this growth mindset when things are good with the people in your life, but I’ve just loved pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little bit these last few weeks.

And so far, classes are going well, and work is great. So… things are good!

But yeah, I hope maybe you got something out of that. It felt really good to write that, and I have a smile on my face just from reflecting on everything.

To everyone reading this, I love you. I will always be so appreciative of anyone who wants to read what I have to write.

I miss you guys who I haven’t seen in a while ;)

So, yeah, thank you guys! Have a great day, week, anything. And literally if this post provoked any thoughts for you literally no matter how random, please tell me. I would love to know!!

Thanks for reading!

-Parker

Also, everyone should listen to the song, ‘Talk It Up’ by Sammy Rae. I’m listening to it right now and it brings me right back to seeing acapella concerts at college, but what a great song.